I finally got to hear the Brazilian War Monkey Story over New Years, when I was visiting Robin and Jeff. My life will never be the same. So, straight from Quad Malcolm, and the mind of Rich Lee, I present...
One day, I was driving along a path in the steamy jungles of
Girunda, when I looked in the rear view and saw what appeared to me eyes
ta be a pair of small, orange, Brazilian monkeys with long tapering teeth.
But, to me ever bloomin serprize, I noticed their deadly stingers, black
with venom, and then I realized the truth: These were Brazilian WAR
Now, back in the day when we were fighting the ever present enemy; I had a stint in the war with Brazil over Brazil nuts. Quite good snacks, frightfully valuable in Brazil where they are used as edible currency. Anyway, I saw many a good man lost to only one of these pint sized devils, myself only escaping because of my amazing sacrifices. In fact, one time, I sacrificed me boyos life for mine, I'm sure he would have died anyway.
So I immediately pulled over and slammed into a four foot long Italian palm tree. This would have killed them, except they had leaped on the roof with cat-like reflexes. They were jabbing their ginsu stingers through the roof when I realized I had to do something quick to distract them, otherwise they would sting me to death and still be able to slice tomatoes. So I yelled out, " Look! Mel Gibson!" At which they turned away enough to allow me a chance to leap out of the car and start running. Now, I am a master of hand to hand combat. I have single-handedly, as in with one hand killed a large grizzly bear as it attacked me in the park. I have also defeated the 42 ninjas of Sha-oh-Rey with only a broken bottle and dirty loincloth. But I digress.
I took to my heels, and saw what would prove to be my savior: Toms Brazilian War Monkey killing device shop. I rushed in, frantically looking for a weapon that would not only work well, but give a good fashion statement; like something that didn't say my favorite color is redneck. Tom smiled and said sure; then showed me his only silver slingshot specially blessed by two drunken priests who had powers against war monkeys. That was true; they had gone to battle with them and came back unscathed. Too bad the other four hundred thousand didn't. So I say to Tom, " How much? " and he says, " 10000000000 dollars. Small bills. " So I then said IOU? he said sure, I wrote one and it still has not been paid. I would think after the Jehovas Witnesses from hell incident, Tom would know better; but that's okay.
So I then strode confidently outside, and waited. I realized that I din't have ammo however, and this posed a problem. Hmmm.... I then realized I had to buy the Monkey killing bullets too! Curses! Ah well, I threw the slingshot away and readied myself for battle, first by relieving my bladder (you try holding in a big gulp; it was BIG) and then by cowering with my hands covering my face. I heard them approach and then....sizzling? They had stepped into my puddle of urine and were slowly but surely melting! That was when I remembered! Of course! That was why they avoided the mens bathrooms I was hiding in during the War, and always but the seat down! Ha ha, I cried as I quickly rushed to the water fountain to reload. Finally, I ended their dismal existence. Well, I take pride in that fierce battle; and for two reasons. One was that a lesser man would have fallen, and two is that I really had to pee.
--Jimmy the Trucker
" Do you ever think about life?"
" Yeah sometimes I do." " So what do ya think?"
" I think it would be better if i didnt."
Conversation between two men in a story