The Brazilian War Monkey

I had heard about it. Jeff had mentioned it. Robin had mentioned it. Rich himself had mentioned it. But I didn't know what it meant. It was an inside joke I wasn't on the inside for.

I finally got to hear the Brazilian War Monkey Story over New Years, when I was visiting Robin and Jeff. My life will never be the same. So, straight from Quad Malcolm, and the mind of Rich Lee, I present...

The Brazilian War Monkey Story

One day, I was driving along a path in the steamy jungles of Girunda, when I looked in the rear view and saw what appeared to me eyes ta be a pair of small, orange, Brazilian monkeys with long tapering teeth. But, to me ever bloomin serprize, I noticed their deadly stingers, black with venom, and then I realized the truth: These were Brazilian WAR monkeys!
Now, back in the day when we were fighting the ever present enemy; I had a stint in the war with Brazil over Brazil nuts. Quite good snacks, frightfully valuable in Brazil where they are used as edible currency. Anyway, I saw many a good man lost to only one of these pint sized devils, myself only escaping because of my amazing sacrifices. In fact, one time, I sacrificed me boyos life for mine, I'm sure he would have died anyway.
So I immediately pulled over and slammed into a four foot long Italian palm tree. This would have killed them, except they had leaped on the roof with cat-like reflexes. They were jabbing their ginsu stingers through the roof when I realized I had to do something quick to distract them, otherwise they would sting me to death and still be able to slice tomatoes. So I yelled out, " Look! Mel Gibson!" At which they turned away enough to allow me a chance to leap out of the car and start running. Now, I am a master of hand to hand combat. I have single-handedly, as in with one hand killed a large grizzly bear as it attacked me in the park. I have also defeated the 42 ninjas of Sha-oh-Rey with only a broken bottle and dirty loincloth. But I digress.
I took to my heels, and saw what would prove to be my savior: Toms Brazilian War Monkey killing device shop. I rushed in, frantically looking for a weapon that would not only work well, but give a good fashion statement; like something that didn't say my favorite color is redneck. Tom smiled and said sure; then showed me his only silver slingshot specially blessed by two drunken priests who had powers against war monkeys. That was true; they had gone to battle with them and came back unscathed. Too bad the other four hundred thousand didn't. So I say to Tom, " How much? " and he says, " 10000000000 dollars. Small bills. " So I then said IOU? he said sure, I wrote one and it still has not been paid. I would think after the Jehovas Witnesses from hell incident, Tom would know better; but that's okay.
So I then strode confidently outside, and waited. I realized that I din't have ammo however, and this posed a problem. Hmmm.... I then realized I had to buy the Monkey killing bullets too! Curses! Ah well, I threw the slingshot away and readied myself for battle, first by relieving my bladder (you try holding in a big gulp; it was BIG) and then by cowering with my hands covering my face. I heard them approach and then....sizzling? They had stepped into my puddle of urine and were slowly but surely melting! That was when I remembered! Of course! That was why they avoided the mens bathrooms I was hiding in during the War, and always but the seat down! Ha ha, I cried as I quickly rushed to the water fountain to reload. Finally, I ended their dismal existence. Well, I take pride in that fierce battle; and for two reasons. One was that a lesser man would have fallen, and two is that I really had to pee.
--Jimmy the Trucker

" Do you ever think about life?"
" Yeah sometimes I do." " So what do ya think?"
" I think it would be better if i didnt."
Conversation between two men in a story

(NOTE: A Brazilian War Monkey is in no way related to an Ass Monkey.)
"A what?"
An Ass Monkey. Censored version: brAss Monkey.
"And what, pray tell, is an Ass Monkey?"
I'm an Ass Monkey.
"You are?"
Amy's an Ass Monkey too. So are Milo, Jesse, Ali, Callie, Pooja, Carlos, Kara and Sean. Robin is a Brazilian War Monkey, though. Jeff is both.
"And who are all these people?"
Woogies from 96. Except for Jeff, Robin, and I. We took Fiction.
People who took World GeoPolitics. The Ass Monkeys are mainly a group of Woogies.
"So the Ass Monkeys are like a club?"
Yes. Or a cult. You may have noticed us Carlisle first session, '96. One day, we all wore all black. Another day we wore our P.J.'s to class.
"I remember you! Are you guys still around?"
Well, we have kind of gone into hybernation. But we shall return one day! Ass Monkeys forever!
"Ass Monkeys. That's a silly name. Where did it come from?"
Callie's idea.
"Ah. Who's your leader?"
We have no leader. Amy, (aka the High Preistess) and Milo (aka The Great Magician) are our spokespersons, though.
"You guys are weird."
And proud of it.
Thanks to Cylis, (aka Milo) for lending me his "better half" (the guy in quotes) for this segment.